Pregnancy Announcement

Are you team snake or team puppy?

There is something alive in my belly.

In one month’s time I am set to give birth to either a basket of puppies or a sack of snakes.

I fear my town will burn me alive if they find out that I am expecting animals from my womb and mistakenly attribute it to doing witchcraft at night. But I love my animal children to be and want them to come to no harm. The doctors cannot at the moment tell me which animal to expect, as their technology is mostly just them putting their head to my belly and going ‘hmmm’, although they have narrowed it to snakes or puppies based on hearing hisses and grrs. Despite their limited technology, they have checked in with me several times to find out if I want to know whether they are girl snake/puppies or boy snake/puppies, as they can decipher that in the first trimester. I have told them I don’t want to find out yet, and had them write the answer on a slip of paper which I have given to the barman at my local alehouse where I will have a party at which I am served a surprise colored mead based on the result: amber for girl and a slightly more reddish amber for boy.

I wish that I knew how I became pregnant with these creatures - my family never told me how one conceives any creature, let alone puppies/snakes, but only that it was impossible to conceive a human child without first being married. So where did this rising growth in my insides come from!? Perhaps it was the juniper tree that I made a wish upon in the garden that I would be one with mother earth, or the prayer I made to the heavens last spring festival that I would find the love of family soon, or perhaps it was all the sex I had with the demon beast Gorfundtik who rose from the depths of hell to sow chaos and destruction amongst humankind in an effort to send us down an inescapable path toward a future of greed, narcissism, and armageddon. I know not which. Only that I love that juniper tree like I love the demon beast Gorfundtik, with my whole heart, body, and soul, the last of which he did make me sign away to him in blood in an official document.

I hope you can all come to the alehouse reveal, but please do not tell anyone in my town about the reason behind the festivities. Also, if anyone is looking for a snake/puppy as a pet please let me know, I’m sure I will have more than I need.

Want more Meredith?

Be sure to check out my next Suspender Jane Interview with incredible sweetie Chris O’Brien, coming out tomorrow on my youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@meredithhackman

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